Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I need a burrito and a hug.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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