I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
