Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
