I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
