What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
