your thong is hanging out like whoa
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
