Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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