I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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