I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
soo... how was my night?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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