I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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