Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
