all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
