Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's never too late to be topless.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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