I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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