Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Randomize
