It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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