I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
