Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
