on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
