Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
