i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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