just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
