I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
