My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it because I queefed?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
