Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
how drunk are you?
Several
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
