If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
someone owes me an orgasm
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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