i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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