mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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