Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
