she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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