You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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