she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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