Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
