My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
