Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
