I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
