from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
