i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Every concussion has its silver lining
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
