Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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