Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
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He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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