You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
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so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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