Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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