Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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