the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
