Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
