if i can run in heels then i can drive
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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