For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
