So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
