dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
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I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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