Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
