we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
