it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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