Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
