I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
