I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
