Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
