I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
