but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
